I grew up in a family that had different religions. My father was a buddhist, my mom and brother were catholics and my sister a Christian. I always questioned myself where did everything come from? I didn't ask anyone and did not get any answers as well. There were many times that I have caught my parents having different relationships meaning affairs. My parents are not married so I never really grew up with a father at home. I saw things a kid never should have from their parents. I was bribed not to tell anyone from what I saw. I learned from an early age to lie and hide things. There were times that I really wanted to kill myself because of my parents. My sister and I were not close back then. We always fought a lot so I never really had anyone. I went in a Christian school wherein I got to know the Lord Jesus Christ. I feel blessed growing up knowing about God, I still had questions but I didn't seek the answers. I became one of the leaders for the youth fellowship in HS and college and part of the choir back in my old church. I thought I was in the right path, but I still felt empty. I went into PMS as early as 16 years old with a 28 year old man who was working in our sari2 store back then. But God brought me back to Him again but it seems like I needed something else. I got into a relationship wherein the guy was a Christian and we helped each other in growing with the Lord. But he broke up with me through text and I was totally devastated. Never heard back from him again. For 2 years, I felt sad and abandoned that I got lost in my studies and failed. I got into a new university and still failed. Until I got in a Technical School and finished. I had another boyfriend when I finished college and started working. I made him my world, I stopped going to church and got into drinking alot. I never really felt my family was there for me so I felt the love I needed from a boyfriend and so I thought. But I still felt empty and broke up with him and after that I got to dating different men from my workplace. Then I met a man that I thought he was going to be the one, I was the one doing the chase instead of the other way around. He kept telling me that we should take it slow but we were already doing it despite of not being committed to each other. Since he wasn't sure of me, I dated another man which was his friend but we stopped it because they were friends. Then I got pregnant from the man I thought who was the one. He said he wasn't ready when I told him I got pregnant. When I got pregnant, I started to feel my family's presence in my life. I started to feel loved despite of what I have done. I needed to stand up on my own and not ask for any financial assistance from my family. So I started saving up my salary and withdrew my savings from my home insurance. From the time I got pregnant, I only cried thrice when my sister knew, when my father knew and when my sister got emotional with me about my prenatal. I was happy when I was pregnant but I was not back with God. I felt like I didn't deserve to face Him with my condition. As I gave birth I felt like my baby was my world, he was the cutest thing ever. But another man came into my life, an old friend who had a crush on me and still pursued me despite me being disgrasyada. I made him my world again and even prioritized him instead of my baby. I fought alot with my family because of this man and he even fought back to my own family. Then I realized that he even said mean things about my own son that I had to end it. My sister started to invite me to go to CCF, yes I attended CCF but in NxtGen with my son. I didn't really wanted to go inside the services because I didn't want to cry hearing God's words and knowing my mistakes. I was trying to run away from it. I signed up for a dgroup but always made a reason that their meet up location is so far. Then when I signed up again for dgroup, I met my dgroup leader once only and never got the chance again to meet the dgroup until she got married already. Then I met another man that my family didn't know about, he was one of my officemates. We were really good friends not until he showed his intentions while he had a girlfriend. I really liked him and he made alot of promises that made me kinda crazy dreaming about. But ended up breaking my heart and stayed with his girlfriend. This time I got into a new job in the same company with my sister. My sister was leading a Bible study in the company once a week. I started joining it and when my sister left the company, Jane from CCF who was also in the same company led the Bible study. Jane was the one who recommended her dgroup who's a single mom and about to start her own dgroup. That's when I have started attending dgroup with my sisters in Christ. The first time I attended, all I could do was just cry and cry and cry in front of them. I felt the love of God through them that I couldn't contain myself but just cry all the way and that was mother's day the next day then got us mothers a bouquet. After regularly attending church and dgroup meetings, the father of my son had messaged me that he wanted to see me. So I did, he apologized and all then I forgave him a long time ago. I told my family about it except my mother because I know she would go furious about it. I asked advices from my father and my siblings, it was a battle between the 2 yeses and 2 nos from my 4 family members. His father gave alot of promises to go to CCF with me and attend a dgroup which I was happy about. But he wanted something from me before he does all those. So unfortunately, I seeked advice from a non-Christian friend and told me men needs security in doing it with them. So I did, I felt like I have lost God again. Why did I fall into the enemy's trap again. Then Converge 2017 happened, my sister sponsored the whole amount but I was not really up for it. I didn't really know anyone and was having lots of troubles at work and at home. But the night before, I packed and said bahala na si Lord. That retreat was really an eye opener for me, I knew stories from the Bible but it was not the same way that God was really speaking to me this time. That retreat made me commit my life to the Lord. When the retreat was over, I shared the gospel to my son's father but I could see he was embarrassed talking about God in public.
So I stopped everything with him again then my father died a few weeks after. I was devastated thinking that I have lost my father and the father of my son. It was early morning that our brother in Manila informed us that papa had a cardiac arrest and was updating us. Within 2-3 hours, papa had 3 attacks and died on the third one. I was the first to totally break down but I still went to work just to finish things up before flying to Manila with my sister. Mel, my dgroup leader called me up and I couldn't even talk and just cried. Jane went near to me asked what happened and broke down again in the office. Karen, Mel's dgroup leader and ate Jam also messaged me to comfort me but all I could was cry while working. Me and my sister did not have the expense to go to Manila right away since it was from payday. My sister offered to use her St. Peter's plan but still was missing some payments. Praise God that there were friends who donated money and the bereavement assistance from our offices. Which covered our expenses from the plane ticket, to the place we would live in and the food. Our flight for Sunday got cancelled after I met with my dgroup in comforting me. So we had to reschedule on that same day Saturday night. We had to pack as fast as we could, but still ended up getting in the plane on Sunday dawn due to delays. We just got in time to St. Peter Commonwealth as well since papa's body just arrived and the family were the first ones to view papa. We all broke down seeing papa just lying there but he looked happy. A few months before he died, my sister and I talked to him and prayed with him as he accepted Christ as His Savior. Since that was a Sunday, my sister and I still wanted to go to church. Amazingly, CCF commonwealth was just a 5 minutes walk. The worship songs and the message was very timely for us that all we could do was cry during the service. We thanked the Pastor for his message on that day and informed him that we were from CCF Cebu. My sister and I was thinking if we had a CCF service for papa during his wake. But we didn't want to push it to our other siblings, but God made a move and one of our older brothers asked my sister if we could have a Christian service for papa since papa was a Christian. My sister was so overwhelmed that she had to go out and cry it out to the Lord. My sister had been friends in Facebook with a Pastor in CCF in Luzon. She messaged him and he responded right away stating that he has a free slot on Friday night. We praised God for many of our family members accepted Christ as their Savior. For that week, papa's cremation was postponed 2 times due to public holiday and we werent able to process the papers. It was all according to God's plans, God gave us time to spend time with each of our siblings. We were supposed to fly back to Cebu on Thursday but since the cremation was moved from Wednesday to Saturday. When our flight to Manila was cancelled the first time, we had a free flight from the airlines. So since the cremation was still on Saturday, so we had a free ticket to book back to Cebu on Saturday. Every thing fell into place, there was a purpose for papa's death and that was to save souls and to glorify God. As we got back to Cebu, we have been going to church regularly as a family. We still had issues with mama's gambling and smoking. She had promised us that she'd stop but we often still caught her in the act. She still went to church with us on Sundays and when Davy Liu the creator of Lion King was a guest speaker in CCF and shared the gospel. Mama stood up and accepted Christ as her Savior. It was a slow process for her at first, but when she decided to volunteer in the host ministry with me was when she also joined a dgroup already.
Then my son's father came back in the picture, messaged again and he wanted to meet my son, wherein I was actually okay about it because it was my son's right to know his father. I prayed to God should I really let him meet my son? I thought I was correct that it was my son's right to meet his father. But I decided not to because he would be a huge bad influence on my son if ever. I felt like I was judging him but I knew him and how he was and is. God told me that God has always been the father I was looking for. Not only for me but also for my son. Since then, I have been volunteering in the host ministry with my mother and for conferences that I can volunteer into. I am also leading a dgroup of 2 single ladies and 3 single moms. I have never been legitly happy, God was all I needed to fill that emptiness. The God I knew back then was so shallow that I never really knew Who He really was. I was seeking Him that when I got to know God, I started to fall deeply in love with Him. I am still a work in progress. As it says in Galatians 2:20, I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
